There's A Big Enough Umbrella

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Tech Support:
Just go ahead and clear your cache, that might fix it.

Me:
My login will still be fine though, right? I'm not sure my internet history is the issue though...

Tech Support:
It'll be fine.

Me:
*clears everything since the beginning of time*

Me:
It logged me out. It didn't save my login, and my email is not my username, I'm not sure what it is.

Tech Support:
Just log back in.

Me:
I don't know my username, and its not my email, can you help me with that?

Tech Support:
No.

Me:
You can't help me log in?

Tech Support:
No, I can't help you.

Me:
Ummm. Sorry, I don't understand, you're tech support, can you not look up my username? I know my password and you have my account name and number...

Tech Support:
Oh, well yes, obviously I can look up your username and give it to you, but I can't HELP you actually log in.

Me:
*eyes turn black and rage builds in my heart*

Me:
DID YOU THINK I WANTED YOU TO FLY HERE AND TYPE IT IN FOR ME?! WHAT ELSE WOULD I MEAN BY "HELP" OTHER THAN GIVING ME THE INFORMATION?!

Tech Support:
Well, I wouldn't be able to fly there anyway. Please hold.

Tech Support:
*five minutes of searching later* Your username is your email.

Me:
BYE.

Well, at this point I’ve been googling pictures of Jennifer Aniston for I don’t even know how long because I heard someone on the radio mention that he had never seen Jen with an up-do (looking at you EW Radio), and even though I distinctly remember a ponytail (some award show, where she had raccoon makeup, wore all black, and was walking with a cane) I can’t recall any other hair up moments, and I haven’t found any photos either, other than a very rare pony, and ohmygod I’m becoming obsessed and am now totally convinced that there is something seriously wrong with the back of her neck. Or maybe its an ear thing? Jen? Are you okay? What is going on back there that you can’t show? I mean seriously, she went for those mermaid dreads on the red carpet, but has never attempted a bun? I don’t know, but this is going on my list of truths to uncover. I need to know.

I’m Married?

Once upon a time, when I was an innocent little fifth grader, another student in my class and his family set up a class event about traditions in India, where they were from.

This student apparently was asked at home to pick two students from his class to participate, and as it turned out, he chose me and a boy named Michael. I don’t know why he picked us, but looking back on it, even in the fifth grade, Mike and I were the two most stereotypical all-American white kids of all time, that might have something to do with it, but I can only speculate to the other’s kid’s reasons. I do remember him saying to me afterward that he had considered choosing another boy, but changed his mind and picked Mike, I guess we “matched.” Mike had brown hair and was very tall and very cute and we had similar last names so we were always near each other.

Anyway, the class event, and “traditions” we were taught about that day ended up being less about general Indian traditions and more (entirely) about the Indian wedding ceremony and process, and by “taught about” I mean they preformed the whole ceremony using Mike and I as bride and groom. I sat with the girls for the morning time, was dressed in traditional garb, including a red bindi painted on my forehead, before joining Mike at the front of the class where the ceremony was held.

Now, I’m not sure about how the whole marriage thing works in this tradition, but I feel like I might be one of those people that you think only exist on TV where they are about to get married and suddenly find out that the informal/intoxicated/joke wedding they had in their youth was actually the real thing. Then, naturally, hilarity and heart-string-pulling will ensue.

I also recently saw a picture of grown-up Michael (thanks Facebook) and I definitely wouldn’t mind reconnecting with my long lost husband. Just saying, my life could totally be a rom-com any minute now.