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If I Were an Avenger, I Might Be the Hulk.

Okay, probably not the Hulk. I’m not gigantic, I don’t like ripped clothes at all, my skin is not green, and while I’m sure I have several emotional limitations, I certainly don’t have “breath-taking anger management issues.”

I’d like to think I’d have a really good super power, although I don’t know what it would be. But like Thor has his hammer and Hawkeye has his bow, I feel sure that I would get to ride a unicorn.

I make that face (above) more than I’d like to admit.

Anyway, I went to see The Avengers this weekend, and a few times throughout the movie, I was thisclose to becoming Hulk-level angry at my fellow viewers.

Not to make you think that I’m more of a weirdo than you already do, but I tend to go see movies alone. Whatever, I want to see particular movies, and I really enjoy going, and the movies I like and the times I want to go don’t usually coincide with the plans of the people I would be seeing movies with. I shouldn’t not get to do something I like because I don’t happen to have anyone with me. It’s a dark theater anyway, why do I need a buddy? Also, movie theaters are generally wonderfully air conditioned, which is incentive enough as far as I’m concerned. I digress. What I’m getting at is that people are ridiculous and as a culture we have ADD and are far too plugged in.

It started out okay actually. I mean, once I got into the theater. At first I tried the door, but they yelled at me that we couldn’t go in yet because they were still cleaning. Then they came out, and told us that we had to line up outside the door. So we line up, then they open the door and let in a bunch of other people that just arrived and didn’t have to wait at all. Ridiculous, and completely unfair. Luckily it was still early enough and we weren’t terribly behind. And for the most part I was just happy to be inside the actual theater. Outside in the waiting area was a couple that was kissing really loud and annoying-like. As in “smack smack” as obnoxious as possible. Getting into the theater meant getting away from the vomit-inducing PDA.

So I bee-line to the very top middle. It’s the darkest and so much better than sitting in the front. I’m about to sit down and a older man and his daughter come up on either side of me. So I move out of the way and one seat over so that we are both still in the middle, but there’s one empty seat between us. As far as I’m concerned, this is what normal people do. A socially accepted unspoken rule that reasonable humans follow. Apparently however, my moving over a seat sort of offended them. So, in an effort to be friendly, avoid offending perfectly nice people, and exorcise some of my knee-jerk antisocial behavior, I moved over a seat and sat next to Kenneth (that was his name. By the end of the movie we were totally friends). So okay, fine. The theater then starts to fill up, and a teenage couple came and sat next to me. Thank goodness, not the obnoxious couple from the lobby. But then they proceeded to alternate between making out, checking their phones (Facebook) and making stupid ass comments (Boy: I know that because I used to play with toys. Girl: OHMYGOD that is SO cute of you! Newsflash: Pretty much everyone used to play with toys. You’re dumb.) However, trying to be a reasonable person, I didn’t say anything, and just hoped that they would turn off their phones and calm down when the actual movie started. They didn’t. Of course they didn’t. So like 5 minutes into the movie, the boy was checking his phone for like the 30th time, I said, “Sorry, would you mind turning that off?” And he did. Whew, awesome.

Not 2 minutes later, he pulls it out again. But turns his whole body sideways so that it covers the light. At least he did that, but seriously? And then his girlfriend started using hers. He tried to sort of cover the light, which was thoughtful of him I guess, but really? I don’t understand how they could not just shut off the phone. There were several other phones throughout the theater also that I saw being checked during the movie. In a totally dark theater, one little phone makes a huge impact. It’s completely distracting and super annoying. By the end of the movie, the girl was lying on her back in the boys lap, texting. When the credits started to roll (everyone stayed of course, these Marvel movies especially always have something to see after the movie “ends” and then a little extra after the credits) started to stomp her feet on the ground like an actual tantrum-ing child. They were young, but not that young, minimum age 16. Stomping on the ground. OHMYGOD. I wanted to leave. Or grab those two and whip them around/smash them Hulk-style. Thank goodness for Kenneth, I didn’t want to be rude.

I just do not understand this inability to sit still, and particularly not being able to switch off your phone for maximum 3 hours. It does not make sense. Is there some emergency that you need to check your phone every few minutes for? Then don’t go to a movie that is guaranteed 2 hours where you should be unreachable. And people, you wanted to see this movie right? Are you all so made of money that $11 for the matinee means nothing? I spent that $11 or whatever to see the movie. If you want to be on your phone the entire time, stay home and save your money. You aren’t paying attention to the film anyway. You just spent [your parents] hard earned money to annoy me. Me personally. Let me sit in peace and enjoy some super heros.

I’m feeling more and more overwhelmed by how connected everyone is in general. I love my phone as much as the next person, and I’m considering proposing to my laptop (we’re in love), but come on, let’s get back to a little bit of real life. I can’t even search book recommendations online without being asked to sign in with my Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest account so that everyone on the planet can see what I’m thinking of reading next (note: the answer to what I’m reading next is not ‘50 Shades of Gray’ just in case you wondered.) And guys? You realize sometimes that you are with actual other live humans right? If you’d rather be talking to whoever you’re texting, go hang out with them, not the people you are ignoring in person. I find this whole thing pointless. Everyone has such attention deficit that they always want to be texting someone else, checking Facebook, blah blah blah. I’m over it. Let me do things in life without updating my status. It’s okay to go to the grocery store with out “checking in.” Let me freaking go to the movies without having an anxiety attack because I can’t un-focus from the light of the idiot in the front row’s flip-phone.

I went to the particular theater I went to because when they strapped me down in the school gym to take my blood the other day they gave me a free ticket. In the future, I will be going back to the remote and generally deserted theater on the hill on a weekday, no more of this busy weekend crap. And I need to get better at Photoshop. And all I really want to be doing, like, 93% of the time, is watching a super hero movie. (Thor is on right now.) And I need to see The Avengers again.

I’ll leave you with some Thor. You’re welcome.